What pride
what vanity has fallen upon me
when I ask the river of life
to speed up for me?
demand, coerce, enrage
injure
her heart
so dear
so precious to me
Now my heart is filled
with so much sorrow
so much pain
the air is filled with despair
I cannot breathe
I can only drown in my own neediness
I pray to God to take this turmoil away
from me and my precious one
but the pain remains
filling this hole in my soul
this is my lesson
for manipulating
for allowing doubts to overtake me
for forcing a definition
of what cannot be defined
a beautiful gift
that I have carelessly destroyed
like an angry toddler his toy
I’ve had to act with courage
and strong intent to repair in my past
But I must slow down now
and flow with life
and not hurry love
For I cannot rush
the blooming of the gentle rose
I cannot rush the colors of fall
I cannot rush the snowy white of winter
Nor rush the lush green of spring
From where was this restlessness born?
desire to control?
or the eruption
of the words I could not speak
would not speak
for fear of losing it all
but the only rewards of fear
are the haunting nightmares
that tell us we can not have
or do not deserve
something so wonderful
I must be patient
and rejoice in the flow
and the beauty and goodness
of your precious gifts
this I shall do
even if it kills me
